I am not Fatist

I am wearing pigtails, a scarf, a long-sleeved violet T-shirt, a thin knitted loose-fitting top, a necklace an ex gave me, and velvet-but-not-too-shiny yoga pants -- and all because it was all that could fit me. 😦

I need to lose weight.

I’ve slowly put on the pounds since I got here.  Can’t really give an exact number pounds-wise, but I guess I’ve been carrying an extra 25-30 pounds with me.  I hate it.

Oh, Man Hands Lizzie, you’re a fatist!  Fat can be beautiful!  Women come in all shapes and sizes! You should love yourself no matter how much you weigh!

How can I love myself when I can’t even go up a flight of stairs without wheezing?  Or wake up feeling slow and sluggish, and end the day feeling the same?  Or walk and feel pain on the soles of my feet because of how heavy I’ve become?

You can’t judge me until you’ve slipped into my skinny jeans, is all I’m saying.  And this is about me and my well-being.  So just to make things clear, I am not saying I have anything against fat people.  But I am saying that I don’t want to be one because it’s not making me feel healthy and happy.

This has become a real issue for me since I started performing as half of HE SANG SHE SANG.

First off, I’ve been having a torturous time thinking of what to wear.  I’m at that point where I can’t just suck in my gut and look better.  Now, when I suck in my gut, I still have some spilling out.  When I’m activating my diaphragm, as singers do when they sing properly, I get very conscious of my rolls of fat in full view of the audience.  I’m also no longer at that stage where I can bare my slender legs and hide my tummy because my stems have become just as padded.  Thinking of an outfit to wear for a gig is no longer exciting or fun.  I now dread it because I know I’m not going to find anything with which I’d be 100% happy.   I just come out “making do” with what I have, and that’s a really hard thing for me to admit.

When I was younger, a friend of mine watched me put an outfit together and remarked, “I guess you know yourself so well you can put on anything and be happy with it.”  I told her the only reason why I can “put on anything and be happy with it” is because I felt thin and healthy enough to feel that way.  What happened to me and where is that girl she admired?

Anyways, for the past two weeks, every-other-day, I’ve been brisk-walking for an hour.  I’m getting ready to run again.  Running is a passion of mine and I used to run almost everyday before my accident.  Since I’m too heavy to run right away, brisk-walking is a great alternative to building some muscle on my legs, especially my thighs, before I do actual runs.  Tomorrow, I believe my legs are ready.

I’ve also been careful of what I eat.  I’ve stopped drinking cola and eating chips.  I’ve been eating more veggies.  Saturday nights, though, I pig-out.  We get free food at Zen on Ten, this lovely Asian bistro and sushi bar at which we’ve been playing, and their food is fabulously delicious.  So after our gig, we feast on our complimentary meal at home as we watch a film on our laptop.  I sometimes also enjoy a bottle of Red Rock ginger ale.

I’m looking forward to running tomorrow.  My legs have been raring to do it since last week.

Anyways, hope you all have a great week!

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Please visit our He Sang She Sang Blog and read all about our latest gripe: venue owners and festival organizers who ask you to play for free but never say “thank you”.


4 thoughts on “I am not Fatist

  1. Yeah, I have the same problem. I was 162 pounds in December of ’09 and now I’m around 200. That’s a 40-pound increase in less than 2 years. It’s really depressing to see my beach shots last weekend in Marinduque and I specifically asked my friends to not tag me in any picture shot there.

    People have the right to feel good about themselves being fat. But the rest of us also have the right to feel disappointed about exactly the same thing. People of any weight class have no business being preachy towards those of a different one.

    Good luck on restarting your running habit! Hope I shake off enough lethargy to restart my own workout habit.

    • Thanks, Chito! It’s difficult tip-toeing in this politically-correct climate. But I really like this:

      People have the right to feel good about themselves being fat. But the rest of us also have the right to feel disappointed about exactly the same thing. People of any weight class have no business being preachy towards those of a different one.

      I heartily agree. I understand how you feel about your beach shots because I feel the same way when people take photos of us when we’re performing. On the one hand, we’d like to preserve the moment; on the other hand, the photos shatter the image of myself in my mind’s eye. I want to start looking how I’m feeling, especially when I’m on stage.

      My, we’ve both gained a lot since our Neil Gaiman signing days. 🙂

      Good luck to you, too! Starting the habit is always the most difficult. I hope you wake up one day and just get the itch to work-out!

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