Before I Revert to My Former Self…

… may I ramble a little?

If you’ve wondered why I’ve been blogging less lately, it’s because I’ve retreated into my world of solitude.  While there, I did pondered profoundly and realized I can’t be the girl that blogs about her clothes and shares her projects.  Not everyday.  Maybe everyday for a little while, but then my mind goes off into a very different path that has nothing to do with outfits or projects or even blogging.  Does this mean I lack focus or direction in my life?

But what if I’m capable of doing several things or, in fact, be quite talented in those different areas?  If I excelled, would my “inability to focus” still be called a distraction?  I know that sounds conceited but , today, at least, I regard myself quite highly.  Today I choose to believe what my teachers, mentors, colleagues, and adversaries say about me: that I’m talented; that I’m gifted.  But I also admit a weakness.  Today, I admit that I haven’t been climbing a hill with the intention of  planting a flag at the peak.   I don’t have a summit to conquer.  Never have.  Instead I climb a staircase; you know, the kind that goes up several steps then stop at a landing, turns, then goes up another flight then stops again.  I’ve been climbing that stunted staircase all my life.  I have  a small goal then I pause.  Then I tackle another flight, and, in essence, another fight.  Then, I pause.

I always pause.  Sometimes I rest for a very long time.  Maybe some people think it’s a weakness.  I imagine myself in a cocoon.  I emerge once stifled by solitude or silence.  Then I begin again.  Sometimes with something totally new.  I’ve burned bridges a few times.  Even fewer, I’ve returned to the debris and rebuilt slowly and at a huge cost.  But I’ve never regretted.

In my lifetime, I have been

a solitary and shy child,

a pianist who performed in front of crowds, safe while physically connected to the keys,

a great composer unrealized, who couldn’t separate herself from her music and chose to tuck it away,

an actress but only on stage, who couldn’t keep her masks on to remain unscathed in the jaded world of theater,

a writer who runs out of words, goes mute-in-the-mind, then finds her voice

a runner,

a boxer,

a teacher who gives too much that she easily burns out, sometimes resenting being drained but could never abandon.

Today, I am on a long vacation.  Not by choice but, I admit, not complaining either.  I’m in a new country, living a new life with my best friend.  I know something’s up and I’m certain it’s coming.

I’m waiting to emerge from my cocoon.

Note: lovely sky photo courtesy of B.


7 thoughts on “Before I Revert to My Former Self…

  1. Millie says:

    I understand entirely. I have hermit-y phases too, where I’m not upset or lonely, just…. don’t want to be around lots of people. And I’m sort of rethinking my blogging (though that’s more due to a lingering sense of not fitting in to the clothes-blogging community) too, though I don’t anticipate going anywhere. There’s certainly no way I could keep up outfit blogging on a daily basis, either!

    I don’t think that that means you lack focus. Different people work in different ways, and there’s nothing wrong with not having a “charge-up-the-hill-plant-the-flag-to-the-exclusion-of-anything-else” sort of attitude. You know how you work, and that’s great — it takes some people a long time to figure that out.

    If your posts do evolve, I’d still read them, Millie. What I really love about you gals is that you share things besides outfits!

    Thanks for the encouragement! I guess you’re right about how it takes some people a long time to figure out how their mind works. I’ve met a lot of those and it’s no fun not knowing what you want.
    And I, for one, would love to hear about other stuff you’re doing/working on, regardless of what it’s about.

  2. Sue says:

    You are talented!!! Would love to hear you play your music one of these days.

    Thanks, Sue! 🙂 One of these days. . .

  3. Selfishly, I hope you continue the blog – maybe expand it to talk about the different steps on your staircases? Truthfully, I think most of us are out there on the steps somewhere (even if we can’t realize it at the time). Right now I feel like mine’s a spiral – I know there are things ahead, but I’m not sure what they are, which makes me reluctant to keep going up.

    But if you decide to keep sharing, I promise to keep listening.

    I thought of a spiral, too, but I take some time before moving on. And it seems that my disturbing dreams involve a lot of staircases so I thought it was apt. Hugs to you, Katie! Thank you for listening to me without fail. 🙂

  4. I very much related to your post — I too enjoy my solitude, and I too have never taken the attitude of hill-climbing and flag-planting, and I have been often criticized and judged harshly for the last one. But that’s not how my personality works, those are not the kind of things I want out of life. Life is a journey and a learning experience, not a contest and not a race. In regards to blogging, blog when you have something to share, when you feel like writing…you should write for yourself above all others 🙂 Take care!!

    I agree. The journey, for me, is what’s important. Arriving at the destination is a time for reflection. You’re wiser than your years. I hope that you always get to do what your heart desires.
    Thank you, Anjali! 🙂

  5. sara says:

    I also enjoy solitude, so I understand what you mean – it can be more therapeutic and less lonely. I hope it gives you the space you need for the next turn on the staircase, wherever it may take you!

    Thank you, Sara. I’m moved by your words. What a happy morning I’m having. 🙂

  6. Bronne Dytoc says:

    hello to my best friend
    on a journey we are
    of constant discovery
    what new things shall we reveal

    Awww, Mahal. You’ve made me smile a mile wide. I’m tearing up. Ikaw, ha!

    Hugs and snugs and kisses. 🙂

  7. taty says:

    i know how that feels..i’ve always envied folks who stuck to just doing ONE SKILL or TALENT, got so good at it by constant practice, and did it for the rest of their lives, those who said, “I don’t know what I would be doing if I weren’t (names skill)..” and their lives, it seems, just runs on that specific path, as if controlled by destiny.
    you’re saying these things probably because you’re in an entirely new place living an entirely new life.
    i’m slowly learning that life, sometimes, is not about what you plan to be or do tomorrow.
    there are times when life is just what’s there in front of you.
    maybe that thought might give you some placidity : )

    Taty, dear, thank you for sharing.

    The thing is I don’t wonder what if. I don’t think much of the far future and I don’t dwell on the past. I’m not planning what to be because I know I am something. I look forward to becoming but I’m not really thinking about it, if that makes sense. Maybe this post reeks of gloom but it’s not really what I’m feeling. Solitude, for me, is not lonely or sad. It’s just a time to withdraw, pause, and ponder. I’m fine, really. I’m just basking in thought. 🙂

    But I really think I can’t sustain talking about outfits and thrifting, et al. I’m not putting down people who do because I, in all honesty, admire them for their dedication. But I think I have more to share. I just don’t know if this is the venue for it or not. I think that really is the point of my post.

    (Too bad I didn’t get there on the post itself! Thanks, though, for helping me realize this.)

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