(My apologies. I know I promised to post my rosette tutorial today but this has been on my mind and I feel I have to write about it so I can move forward. )
B. and I woke up to a hazy day. We decided to spend it lazing around at home. But as the hours passed, it became sunnier so we changed our minds and opted to go out. I rushed to put on the first shirt and pants I could put my hands on. and B. took these pics outside our apartment. After I saw them, I hurt his feelings by saying, “how come when you take my picture I always end up looking stupid?” I actually meant it’s me, and not him, acting stupid when he’s holding the camera. It’s my own doing. I’ve never felt comfortable being photographed. I get very self-conscious and start acting like a buffoon. The shot below was alright but it was the only good one out of 10 or so.Ben Sherman, TJ Maxx, $19.99 (B. bought it for me!) Maroon Tee with embossed felt design: a gift from B. He has one just like it! Black long-sleeved mesh shirt: thrifted from back home Generic tight-fitting jeans : from a store back home Black suede lace-up boots: Miu Miu, thrifted back home for less than $3 (!!!) Leather bracelet: from a stall in a store back home. I can’t recall how much it was but I’m sure it was more expensive than the Miu Miu boots. Hahaha
Why is it when I look at the mirror, I seem to have this better image of myself that’s not reflected in my photographs? Take this hat, for example:
When I put it on, I thought I looked mighty fine. But after seeing the pics, I think I might have walked around looking like a fool the whole afternoon. It doesn’t matter that the lady at the check-out counter at Kohl’s told me she liked my hat. Or that B. told me it’s all in my mind and he doesn’t see the stupid version of me that I see. A thousand people can come up to me and tell me I look great, but if this is what I see…
This is the main reason I photograph my outfits. It’s not really about the outfits. It’s a way to conquer my fear of the camera. Really, I hate it because it shows me all my flaws. But it’s because those are the first things that I choose to see. This is the reason why I take many shots of myself before choosing a few to post, and why I have to be by myself to be able to pose without freaking out.
This blog is really about me accepting myself and, ultimately, celebrating myself. I’m too old to continue feeling like an awkward teenager. I don’t want to grow older insecure and self-conscious. How sad would that be? I want grow older gracefully and at peace with what I have.
I want to start loving myself before I die. Then I can say that I truly have lived.